If Kim Jong-un is indeed to be confirmed as heir to the North Korean throne next week, there may be no more dangerous a job right now in the corridors of Pyongyang power than that of his speech writer(s). After a lifetime of anticipation and just one publicly released photo, Kim Jong-il‘s twentysomething tyrant could be set to deliver his country’s version of the famous Martin Luther King speech (“I have a nightmare…?”).
If the coronation goes well, Kim Jong-un‘s speech writers can breath a sigh of relief. If the speech does not go so well, they may all soon be facing a very harsh and final punctuation mark. But what might the brainstorming sessions have been like for this public appearance of paramount importance? Here are a few thoughts about what could have been floated.
Option #1: Open BIG:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the Worker’s Party. When I gave orders back in March to sink the Cheonan, never could I have imagined that it would lead me so quickly to this revered podium. The ship has indeed sailed on the Sunshine Policy. I say here now to all enemies of North Korea. Cross me once, lose a Destroyer. Cross me twice, and it’s mushroom cloud time.”
Option #2: Hardcourt Diplomacy Offering:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the Worker’s Party. As you may know, I am a longtime fan of the U.S. National Basketball Association, maybe even a bigger NBA fan than my dad. As such, I would like to suggest that instead of the Six-Party talks, President Obama send over Commissioner David Stern for some 31st team talks. I give you (motioning to aide for mock-up jersey)… the North Korea Kimchee!”
Option #3: All Roads Lead to Switzerland:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the Worker’s Party. Switzerland has always been extremely charitable to my family both in terms of bank accounts and providing diplomatic channels to other countries. In recognition of this, and as a symbolic indication of my peaceful intentions, I would like to propose a meeting with representatives from the United States, South Korea, Russia, China and Japan, to be held at my high school Alma Mater. After all, what better place to finally broach peace on the Peninsula than the International School?”
Option #4: Bringing Up the House:
“Ladies and gentlemen of the Worker’s Party. The United States has its White House, South Korea has the Blue House. And my dad, up until now, has only had the 22 villas. But I would like to hereby announce my plan to build a new permanent seat of North Korean power in Pyongyang, a place I like to call the Red House. Can I hear a woot-woot?”